feeling like I can breathe again

Travis had surgery yesterday, 30 March 2015. I was terrified, but confident in the medical team taking care of my son.

The moment we showed up to the APU, our boy got attention. So many wanted to play him. He didnt get to eat for 7 hours by the time he went back to surgery and he was not happy. The pediatric anesthesia doctors "argued" on who would get to hold Travis to take him back- they both wanted to snuggle him. A random nurse popped in and said "i have nothing to do with his case- i just wanted to say hi because he is so cute". Made me and john smile seeing our boy make so many other smile so early in the morning.

They took him back and my cousin Patti showed up just in time to join us for breakfast. My parents showed up not long after- and the my husband parents and my big kid (Easten). Not long after our little boy was already out of the OR and heading to PICU.

We rushed to the PICU to put eyes on our boy. He was crying and have IVs and stuff everywhere. He was given morphine amd tylenol and it didnt help- later that night they switched his meds and he finally stopped screaming out in pain.

My friend Jen said the PICU staff would be wonderful- and boy was she right! We had great nurses- who werent afraid to give john crap right back :-)

This morning we woke up and our little guy was feeling ten times better- and the surgeon said he did wonderfully! The surgeon gave us her cell phone number and said to call with any questions :-) amazing care!! never felt so comfortable walking away from my baby for a few minutes ♡

Now I sit here and smile at my precious baby and Praise God for his grace :-)  we are on the "other side".

The swelling is going down and he is sleeping wonderfully and eating well. We are counting our blessings ♡

To pay it forward we are asking friends and family to purchase a tshirt in Travis' name. All proceeds will be donated to craniocarebears.org :-)

https://www.booster.com/ug-14275846414396904

Follow that link to purchase a tshirt ♡

#teamtravis #craniowarrior #craniosynostosis

He Won't Break- Cranio Awareness

On March 30, 2015 our son Travis will be having surgery. This will be the 6th surgery between our two boys- it is the first time for our Travis though.

We want everyone to know that Travis will not break. You may come to visit after the surgery. You can call us if YOU need anything. Just because our son is having an important surgery doesn't mean we can't be there for you. So many are afraid to come around, but let me tell you something... TRAVIS WILL NOT BREAK. MY FAMILY IS OK. You can still be our friend, just because we have an angel baby doesn't mean you have to tip-toe around us. Yes we have a lot going on, but since when is life not crazy busy?

http://www.ccakids.com/assets/syndromebk_craniosynostosis.pdf
http://www.ccakids.com/craniosynostosis.html
http://surgery.med.umich.edu/.../cranio/CAPBooklet_0510.pdf

click those links and educate yourself. Travis has Left Coronal Synostosis (craniosynostosis) He will be in a DOC Band (helmet) until he is a year old.

We are nervous about this surgery, but in our hearts we know that he will be ok. Easten says that he will give Travis a bandaide and he will be all better. If only things were as simple as that.

As I type this I am thinking of my boys and my husband- and how much I love them. I wouldn't trade any of my boys for the world. Everything life can throw at my family is welcome- because we can overcome anything. We are strong and we have faith that God will guide us when we find it hard to keep going.

Hold your loved ones close. Snuggle your children, love your spouse, and on Monday, March 30, 2015 at 0730 says prayers for our family- for the surgeons- for the anesthesiologist- for the nurses- for the technicians- and for the blood bank.

#teamtravis #craniowarrior #laurenruns4me #superEasten

0

my angel baby-our newest addition

On 12/26/14- my family of three became a family of four. Our baby boy, Travis, has left coronal synostosis (a version of Craniosynostosis) and will need surgery to fix it.

I have come to the conclusion that God thinks we are superheros- and who am I to doubt that?

Easten has had 5 surgeries in his short 3 years of life, i have had two c-sections, and now our angel baby will have to have at least one before he even learns to crawl. Luckily John hasnt neeeded any surgeries (which is surprising with how accident prone he is!)

Are we scared? YES... But we have met the Craniofacial team at Walter Reed- and they are amazing! We are part of support groups- and have heard of so many success stories- which is OOBER comforting. His Surgery is March 30. All we ask for is that you hold your kiddos close, and send up some extra prayers for our family.

So let our adventure start with our cranio baby!

P.S.
go to craniocarebears.org.... their page explains craniosynostosis

Life.Fear.Mommyhood.

Hello World,
When I first started this blog, my husband was deployed. I was struggling horribly and everyone thought it was because my hubby was away. I look back to almost exactly three years ago to the day when we were at the airport, Easten and I saying bye to John for 6ish months. That whole time is kinda a blur. I feel like I should remember those first 6 months. I feel like I should remember every detail about life, and our sons first adventures- but in reality- I don't. It is all a blur, and somehow I made it through. I told everyone I was ok. But I was terrified about somehow messing up. When Eastens reflux got crazy- I felt I did something wrong because I couldn't breastfeed. I thought I had somehow messed up so bad that I was making him sick. I felt bad that my son was in daycare and I was ok with that. I told myself I should feel excited to get so much alone time with this new addition to our family- but in reality- I was overjoyed for the time away. When John came home it was intense. I was scared to let him help with our son. I worried about going to the store and leaving Easten behind. It felt like all the worries I had slowly gotten past came back the day my hubby came home from deployment. BUT we got passed it. I am a worry wart to this day- and John I think accepts it.
I remember feeling horrible because my life had changed so drastically in a years time. I went from a  crazy, careless party girl- to a wife and mom. and then by the time Easten turned one I was preparing to get out of the military due to fitness failures. For a bit, I hated that I had gotten pregnant and "fatter". I felt that I needed to blame something- so I blamed the fact that I had a child. Then I felt like crap because I blamed my child- who was a sweet, strong, loving little boy.
now- almost two years after getting out of the military, I feel life for me has completely changed. I am a full time student, can't find a job ANYWHERE, and.... we are expecting baby #2 on 1/1/15. We are having another little boy. I love how excited Easten is to have a baby brother. Me? I am terrified. I have so many emotions going through me, I know I am a mom and a full time student, but I feel like I am not doing enough. I WANT to work- I miss it. But then I feel bad because I wont be able to spend as much time with my boys if I go to school and have a job.
I am terrified of somehow messing up with baby Travis when he gets here, I am terrified that depression will get the best of me, I am terrified Easten won't feel as loved wince there will be two little boys to love. I am afraid that Easten will always be my favorite- even though we aren't "supposed" to have favorites. Easten and I have traveled a roller coaster together- he is my strong, happy, fearless, independent little boy- I can only hope that Travis is that way too.

There are some people that say "if you don't want to be judged don't put your business out there".  I have had a few people say that to me recently. Go ahead and judge me- because honestly- Im a mom doing the best I can- doing what I believe to be best for my child. I am friends with many type of moms, and I don't judge. I may not agree with everything they say/do- but I respect that we are all doing what we can the best that we can.

I have so much going through my mind as we prepare for baby Travis. I have come to realize that my husband drives me absolutely crazy- but I wouldn't be able to go through my life without him. My son is learning to push every button just right, and sometimes he irritates me to no end- but life would not be right without him. I am terrified about having another child- yet so excited that we are adding to our little family- and that big brother is completely excited and overjoyed about being able to play with baby brother.

I have realized that being a mom is not easy, that you are not perfect- and that is ok. I have learned that not wanting to be with my son 24/7 is ok- and it doesn't make me a bad mom. I have learned that my son going to daycare is best for him- that he learns better, and has many friends because of it. I have learned that is ok that I didn't breastfeed- some things just don't work out the way we originally plan- and that's ok. I have learned that it is ok to hurt, be scared, and it is ok to cry. I cannot believe how much my life has changed since Easten was born. I went from thinking I had to be perfect (or at least appear to be), to just hoping and doing my best. I have been weak, I have cried, I have screamed, I have been strong, I have been afraid- and all that is ok. it took me a long time to realize that accepting how I feel, and not ignoring it is the best way.

what is the point to this post? I am not sure...  I just needed to get it out there. I am tired of the stereotypical mom- the way we are "supposed to be"- and what is considered the "right way/choice" for everything. I am happy- most days- and some days life gets the best of me- but at least I know I am not the only one out there that feels like this. Another blogger, whom I know personally, showed me through her words that the feelings are real, that the darkness is real, that others go through the craziness too.

I have an addiction

When someone hears the word "addiction" they think drugs and/or alcohol. So many forget about the addictions that can do the same amount of damage to a person. It took me a long time to finally realize that I have an addiction. Have you evere thought if you have one or not? Are you in denial? It is scary to ome to terms to the fact that you are not helping yourself.

What is my addiction? Well I have more than one- all in the same catergory- FOOD

I am addicted to:
Fast Food
Soda
Candy
Cookies
Cakes
all kinds of sweets....

For a few weeks (ok more like a month or more) I was spending money at the Burger King here on base and getting  a Double Stacker, with a large fry, and a large Dr. Pepper. I couldn't help myself. We have food in the house- plenty to make whatever I want- but I coulnd't go without it- so I thought. But today I did not get fast food.
Soda is hard to not drink- I need to drnk more water... but that is easier said than done. For some reason I can drink a juice, tea, coffee, milk, water- ANYTHING- but my craving is always there. But today I did not have a soda.
Candy, cookies, all those sweet yummy tasty goodies- get me every time. Today candy won. We have begun to not even buy sweets of any kind- but I just feel like I NEED it.

Some may say this is too silly to call an addiction. Well the definition of addiction is:
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming

I am pretty sure that I have a addiction. My addicton is real- and while it may not be life threatening righ now- in ten years it might be.
My husband tries so very hard to help me with my issue. We are trying to be better with finances and my spending on sweets, soda, and fastfood can add up. So not only am I trying to take control but I want to save money too.

And though my addiction got the best of me today- tomorrow it won't.

I am OBESE
I have trouble CHASING AFTER MY TWO YEAR OLD
I HURT every day
I CRAVE the bad stuff

I want to be HEALTHY
I want to RUN after my little man
I want to BE A BETTER ME!

Their Reality vs My Reality___perfection isnt everything

I have come to the conclusion that I am amazing at making plans and SAYING I am going to lose wieght and be better with anything and everything.

What people say my reality should be:
A happy 2 yr old- no health issues at all- not even a cold
A smart 2 yr old- I should be teaching him multiplication by now
I shoul have a spotless house- I should be able to lick the floor
The car and truck- should look brand new
I should be 125 lbs
I should be motivated
I should have a job on top of school and having a little one and husband.
I shouldnt mention I was in the military- cause lets face it- I dont look I have served a day in my life.
Looks are everything- dont EVER leave the house is an oversized sweater and sweatpants
4.0 gpa- nothing less

My reality is:
I cant find motivation. I know what I need to do- just cant get myself there. I hear from others "it's easy" "you just do it"... Sounds simple right? It isn't always that easy. I know I have a lot to live for- losing wieght can help prolong the length of time I am here on this earth- However- making me feel horrible because I obviously "don't want to be able to keep up with my child"- that solves nothing. BTW I still wiegh over 200lbs... but I did lose 5lbs in the past few months- a small difference is better than nothing.

My reality is:
I have piles of dirty clothes- that when they get cleaned- never end up getting put away. I have dirty dishes sitting in my sink. No excuse for my house not being spotless- I get it- I can be a sucky housewife... But the couch and food and soda and movies sound better than standing on my feet and walking up and down the stairs. Sounds pathetic right? I agree. I am trying to slowly get rid of this fastfood and soda craving I have ALL THE TIME.

My reality is:
My son has asthma, he attends daycare, he is a brilliant angel- with a temper to go with being 2 yrs old. I am sorry if he screams in the store- stare harder- see if I care. I have seen that little boy bring out the best in people- so how you feel about him right now is pointless- he is amazing.

My reality is:
i dont have a 4.0 gpa- I have a 3.6 gpa- I am on the honor roll. I am proud of myself- so kiss my butt

My reality is:
I may not LOOK like I was ever in the military- but talk to me. I am proud to have served and will NEVER keep that in. The chance to wear the unifom for 4 years- priceless.


I am trying to remmber that even though others have this "reality" for me- it doesn't mean I HAVE to be apart of it. I love my husband, I love my son- and I am struggling with the drive and motivation to GET MOVING. I have a bad temper(just ask the hubs! haha) I am a full time student- and I am getting better grades than I thought I could.

Somedays- like today- I find it hard to get out of the house and DO something. But I have a friends dog to take for  a walk- which means I will be taking a walk and helping a friend. It is a plus for me, my friend, and her dog. It isnt much but it is something. So I am making to elaborate PLAN to be a better me. I am taking it one day at a time. I may not clean today- but today I got out of the house. Tomorrow- I might struggle to just get off the couch- But I will take on that fight tomorrow.

I feel the need to send a shout out to the most amazing hsuband ever. He puts up with my temper and criticism... He loves me- even though I am a chunky gal. He is an incredible dad. He is my rock <3

I am working on today- tomorrow can wait!

How Life Changes-my new day zero

Hello everyone! It has been a while since I last posted- a long while actually...
I do believe it is time for an update:
Marriage is hard- extended family is hard- military life is hard- raising your children is hard. That being said it is crazy how strong people can be. I have been out of the military for going on 9 months- and I still miss it. I miss it so much so I never realized how hard it was affecting me. I have told so many- that if you are in the military and you struggle with fitness- try your hardest to keep in shape- and when you think you are trying your hardest try harder. I can not believe I still dwell on the past- I believe I am not the only person that does this. The past few weeks have been eye opening. My family and I are preparing for our first PCS (moving to another base)- we have had financial struggles- and right now we are living in an apartment so tiny that our almost 2 year old has had enough! Through everything john and I have been through- we have always come out the other end twice as strong.
Today I woke up with a whole new mindset. The past is the past and I can not change it. However, I can mold my future. Yes I got put out of the military for fitness- but being put out of the military has made me have to face myself and the change I have yet to make. We all struggle with some form of depression- some more severe than others. There are a lot of us that are in denial. I admit- I have been depressed over how my life was turning out. I know that this road to a new me- and this road that my family is going to need to help me with will not be easy- but I think after all the "talk" about changing it is about time I do something about it.
So here is day zero- today I will be me- I will be happy- I will enjoy the scary thoughts of our future.


My husband and I have some choices to make about our family and questions to answer. Do we put Easten back in base daycare, do we let him go to a home daycare. What will I go to school for? Will I put my GI Bill to good use? Will I work AND go to school? will my husbands new job be more demanding? Will be closer to family be a good thing or bad? Will I continue to get along with my husbands side of the family?

Today is my NEW day zero- today I will be me- today I will be happy- TODAY I will enjoy the scary thoughts of our future. WASHINGTON DC HERE WE COME!!!!!!

Since my last post

It has been about a year sice my last post. So I figured I needed to make an update.
My husband deployed last year in october and came back in april. Our son was almost 7 months old when he returned. It is Christmas again- yet it doesn't feel like it. Tomorrow will be my last day in the military- I being administratively discharged to not meeting fitness standards. To me- biggest failure of my life. Yet maybe this is God opening a door of a different opprotunity.
the past 2.5 years that me nd my husband have been together has bee the hardest 2.5 years of my life... yet somehow we are still a strong married couple. Every mountain we conquer TOGETHER we grow stronger... Even though i take my anger and frustration out on him- he seems to magically understand. I have been blessed with an incredible husband.
Our sweet little boy... He is strong and smiles so much. Some days I think it is the only reason that i dont just sit around all day. Amazing the affect such a little person can have on you.
So the job search is on. Life after the military starts... not sure how to do life after military, but it worth a shot right ?

Joy to the world...

hello everyone! It has been a while since I have been on here cause life is CRAZY! easten going to daycare mommy going back to work and going to the gym... whew! not to mention school!!
But I have to say... I AM BLESSED! I have two amazing men in my life! about 4 more months and my bestfriend/husband will be home... I pray and hope that every military member away from home this Christmas finds peace and joy- and feels a little bit of the Christmas spirit to fill their hearts!!
Above is a picture of my handsome baby boy, and a recording of me singing a very special song :)

happy thanksgiving world...

What are you thankful for this year? I am thankful for my new baby boy and my amazing husband :) what more can I say other than I am blessed...

The joy of deployments ending and families being reunited

A friend of mine had the chance to welcome home her husband today. He left for deployment BEFORE their baby girl was born. Today she got to meet her daddy for the first time. She spent 6 months without her husband, and she is helping me get through my 6 months without mine. I fell such joy in my heart for this tiny family- cause there is nothing better than being together. To all the families that have had to welcome home a husband, wife, brother, sister, mom, dad, son, or daughter..... make sure its an amazing welcome home. Let them know how much you missed them. Show them how much you love them. I will be able to experience welcoming home my husband in 4ish months and that will be a joyful day.

3 years as a United States Airman

Three years ago I joined the United States Air Force. I was in the 322nd Training Squadron, part of Flight 092. Regulators! I am proud to be able to stand next to my husband and defend this great country. I am proud to be an American Airman.

God Give Me Strength

Johns back window on his car got hit with a gold ball and it shattered... things just coming at me, and I just keep telling myself that if God is letting this come at me then he knows i can handle it... i just need to keep having faith in myself... Cause I have a beautiful baby boy counting on me and an amazing husband counting on me... God give me strength to take on these mountains... I need help hiking over them.

The love of a father...

Even from across an ocean daddy can calm his son. Just the voice of John caused his son to stop crying. John is such a great daddy. That is all I have to say.... 

Love....

I have two people in my life that fill my heart with such joy. My husband and my son. I am completely in love with them both. When my husband left, I finally realized how much I REALLY loved him. I also realized how involved he was in my every day life. The simple things, like taking out the trash- since we had been in the apartment, I had not taken the trash out once... Simply holding his hand during a movie- didn't even realize how much I liked that until he was gone... I realized I took his love and kindness for granted- and I will never do that again. I plan to shower him with love and kindness and affection, just like I always have- but multiply it by a billion. As for our son, I loved him when I was pregnant- but it wasnt until I saw my husband holding him for the first time, I wanted to cry and laugh and well my emotions were everywhere. When I became a wife- I learned a new love, and when I became a mom I learned yet another new love. what do I mean by this? Well, I love my parents, but the love I have for my husband and son are different.
I tell you what, my love for these two amazing men grows stronger everyday. Everyday my husband is gone, my love for him grows deeper, and every time I hold our son, my love gets deeper. Remember to tell those that you love, that you love them.

The Fairytale Ends and the Obstacles Begin

Our relationship went from new to serious pretty fast- we were ok with that. We are bestfriends and we have no worries. A week after we were wed we found out he would be deploying not long after our baby was due to be born. That same week we found out that we were going to have a baby boy (that made daddy proud). Daddy was going to be gone for a minimum of half a year. We are a Mil-to-Mil couple, both Active Duty Air Force. We serve proudly. My husband didn't even think about backing out of this deployment- even though he knew he was going to miss the first months of his sons life. You see- when you join the military you have to go into it knowing that you will deploy- whether you have a family or not. You have signed up for a duty that will cause you to make sacrifices. I feel for ever member of our armed forces and their families that have to go through what John and I are going through. Many people have no idea what our military and their families go through 24/7. We are ALWAYS on duty. we may not be scheduled to go into the office, but we-as members of America's Armed Forces- are ALWAYS on duty. We can be called to go away from our families at any moment. I know a Major in the Air Force who left his pregnant wife to go on a 365 day tour over seas, a SSgt that has never met his daughter- he deployed before she was born. I know an Airman that died from bullet wounds shortly after seeing his son born- leaving his wife and baby boy behind. Today I am home with a wonderful baby boy while my husband is deployed. We are both active duty and soon our son will be going to daycare and I will be going back to work. We have hit our obstacle, our mountain, that we must conquer. We met, fell in love, created a beautiful baby boy, and all the while serving our country. Pray... Pray hard... for those men who never meet their children, the men adn woman who say good-bye to their families before they deploy and never make it home. Yes, my husband and I are facing a challenge- but this is a challenge that militarty members face all the time. Am I nervous about being without my huabnd (best friend)- yes, am I nervous about having our brand new baby all to myself-yes, am I nervous that when my husband gets back I will have to deploy- yes, is defending my country, having a baby boy, and the most amazing husband worth the nervousness and fear? YES. This post jumps all over the place- but I think I said what I wanted to say. One last thing- If God brings you to it, he will get you through it.

The Fairytale Story Part Four

On President's Day 2011, while I wasn't feeling good and still in my pajamas, my husband proposed to me. We were just hanging out at home- spending the day together doing abosolutely nothing. Was it my dream proposal that I had thought he would do? No, it was better. He proposed to me when I looked my worst, and felt like crud- and he made that not-so-good day into an amazing memory. We planned our wedding for 14 May 2011 at Buck Creek State Park. Beautiful place! The day of the wedding was crazy, and I turned into the crazy bride (normal bride thing to do!) We had a simple wedding. The groom wore jeans and cowboy boots, the bride wore a pretty white dress and flip flops. It was raining everywhere around us except at the park that day. The sun beamed across the blue sky- making it a perfect sunny day. The reception was like a giant BBQ- which is exactly how we imagined our wedding. we didn't want anything crazy and fancy- we wanted it to be simple and relaxed (like us). The music was played via iPod. We did have some live music done though! A friend of ours played and sang the song "Simple Man" by Lynrd Skynrd for the mother-son dance. He then accompanied me on the keyboard as I sang "When You Say Nothing At All" by Allison Krauss to my wonderful new husband. God blessed us with sunshine and smiles that day...

Fairytale Story Part Three

We started dating on 25 July 2010. It was the best decision I have ever made. A few months of dating and my "cowboy" gave me a promise ring. He showed up to the hotel I was staying at with yellow roses (my favorite flower) and gave me my promise ring. It was so sweet. When Christmas came, it was time for me to come home. I got a beautiful necklace from him. Funny thing happened too... I broke the chain on that necklace within a week of having it. So, he got me a new chain. Then on 7 February 2011 we found out we were going to become mommy and daddy. At the time we were unsure, nervous, and scared. Little did we know that the angel growing inside me was going to be the biggest blessing of our lives...

A Fairytale Story Part Two

Our first test was when I was deployed to DC (yes DC... strange deployment I know)... I had convinced myself that John was just a great friend- and I told him over and over that he and I would NEVER date... Let me say this: he is now my husband so how wrong I was!. This amazing man I call my husband came to visit me, just as friends. The first time he came was also the first time I met his mom's side of the family. During this visit his oldest sister informed me that she Facebook stalked me- creepy at first but I am ok with it now. While visiting his mom, we were hanging out in his room- it was then I realized that I was trying to fool myself. Not only did I kinda-sorta like this guy, I kinda-sorta had fallen in love with him. It was that moment- chatting with him while sitting on his bed that I realized I wanted him to be with me for the rest of my life... God had that plan for me already, it just took me a while to realize it.

A Fairytale Story Part One

I met my husband at a chapel service on base. I had "met" him a few other times, but we never said more than a few words to another. We were talked into going camping with some chapel friends- and I had to hitch a ride with him to the camp site (I didn't have a car yet). We ended up driving two hours in a car together- leaving base as strangers and arriving to the camp site as acquaintances. We ended up having to share a tent, because then tent I was supposed to borrow from our friend was "forgotten". We went hiking the next day, and we were left to hike together- everyone else ditched us. It was that hiking trip that I believe showed us that we were going to be great friends. My now husband was so easy to talk to (and still is). On that camping adventure we also went canoeing and this gave us more time to get to know one another. This was the start of the greatest friendship I have ever had.. God works in the most unique of ways...