When I first started this blog, my husband was deployed. I was struggling horribly and everyone thought it was because my hubby was away. I look back to almost exactly three years ago to the day when we were at the airport, Easten and I saying bye to John for 6ish months. That whole time is kinda a blur. I feel like I should remember those first 6 months. I feel like I should remember every detail about life, and our sons first adventures- but in reality- I don't. It is all a blur, and somehow I made it through. I told everyone I was ok. But I was terrified about somehow messing up. When Eastens reflux got crazy- I felt I did something wrong because I couldn't breastfeed. I thought I had somehow messed up so bad that I was making him sick. I felt bad that my son was in daycare and I was ok with that. I told myself I should feel excited to get so much alone time with this new addition to our family- but in reality- I was overjoyed for the time away. When John came home it was intense. I was scared to let him help with our son. I worried about going to the store and leaving Easten behind. It felt like all the worries I had slowly gotten past came back the day my hubby came home from deployment. BUT we got passed it. I am a worry wart to this day- and John I think accepts it.
I remember feeling horrible because my life had changed so drastically in a years time. I went from a crazy, careless party girl- to a wife and mom. and then by the time Easten turned one I was preparing to get out of the military due to fitness failures. For a bit, I hated that I had gotten pregnant and "fatter". I felt that I needed to blame something- so I blamed the fact that I had a child. Then I felt like crap because I blamed my child- who was a sweet, strong, loving little boy.
now- almost two years after getting out of the military, I feel life for me has completely changed. I am a full time student, can't find a job ANYWHERE, and.... we are expecting baby #2 on 1/1/15. We are having another little boy. I love how excited Easten is to have a baby brother. Me? I am terrified. I have so many emotions going through me, I know I am a mom and a full time student, but I feel like I am not doing enough. I WANT to work- I miss it. But then I feel bad because I wont be able to spend as much time with my boys if I go to school and have a job.
I am terrified of somehow messing up with baby Travis when he gets here, I am terrified that depression will get the best of me, I am terrified Easten won't feel as loved wince there will be two little boys to love. I am afraid that Easten will always be my favorite- even though we aren't "supposed" to have favorites. Easten and I have traveled a roller coaster together- he is my strong, happy, fearless, independent little boy- I can only hope that Travis is that way too.
There are some people that say "if you don't want to be judged don't put your business out there". I have had a few people say that to me recently. Go ahead and judge me- because honestly- Im a mom doing the best I can- doing what I believe to be best for my child. I am friends with many type of moms, and I don't judge. I may not agree with everything they say/do- but I respect that we are all doing what we can the best that we can.
I have so much going through my mind as we prepare for baby Travis. I have come to realize that my husband drives me absolutely crazy- but I wouldn't be able to go through my life without him. My son is learning to push every button just right, and sometimes he irritates me to no end- but life would not be right without him. I am terrified about having another child- yet so excited that we are adding to our little family- and that big brother is completely excited and overjoyed about being able to play with baby brother.
I have realized that being a mom is not easy, that you are not perfect- and that is ok. I have learned that not wanting to be with my son 24/7 is ok- and it doesn't make me a bad mom. I have learned that my son going to daycare is best for him- that he learns better, and has many friends because of it. I have learned that is ok that I didn't breastfeed- some things just don't work out the way we originally plan- and that's ok. I have learned that it is ok to hurt, be scared, and it is ok to cry. I cannot believe how much my life has changed since Easten was born. I went from thinking I had to be perfect (or at least appear to be), to just hoping and doing my best. I have been weak, I have cried, I have screamed, I have been strong, I have been afraid- and all that is ok. it took me a long time to realize that accepting how I feel, and not ignoring it is the best way.
what is the point to this post? I am not sure... I just needed to get it out there. I am tired of the stereotypical mom- the way we are "supposed to be"- and what is considered the "right way/choice" for everything. I am happy- most days- and some days life gets the best of me- but at least I know I am not the only one out there that feels like this. Another blogger, whom I know personally, showed me through her words that the feelings are real, that the darkness is real, that others go through the craziness too.